Dating with Different Attachment Styles: How to Navigate Compatibility From A Vancouver Relationship Therapist
Written by: Kristie Burkett, MACP (Candidate)
What happens when two people with different attachment styles come together? Understanding attachment styles can be very important in navigating romantic relationships. In this blog, we'll explore the various attachment styles and provide insights on how to foster compatibility when differences arise.
Attachment theory, pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles, influencing how we connect with others in adulthood. There are four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Each style brings its own set of strengths and challenges to relationships.
Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to effectively communicate their needs. They trust their partners and are supportive in times of need. Dating someone with a secure attachment style can lead to a harmonious relationship built on mutual respect and understanding.
Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style crave closeness and fear abandonment. They may exhibit “clingy” behavior and constantly seek reassurance from their partners. Dating an anxiously attached individual requires patience and empathy, as they may require frequent validation and support to feel secure in the relationship. Anxious attachment is often rooted from inconsistent parental figures- they are familiar with the feeling of someone being there, and the all of a sudden not. They feel love can be taken away from them, and fear this happening over and over again.
Avoidant Attachment: People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style value independence and may have difficulty expressing their emotions. They tend to avoid intimacy and may come across as emotionally distant. Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style requires creating space for independence while also fostering emotional connection through open communication. Someone with an avoidant attachment style will often shut down during conflict and be overwhelmed by feelings of being controlled or trapped in a situation.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style have a conflicted relationship with intimacy, oscillating between a desire for closeness and a fear of rejection. They may push their partners away while simultaneously yearning for connection. Dating a fearful-avoidant person demands patience and understanding, as they navigate their internal struggles with vulnerability and trust.
So, how can you navigate compatibility when dating someone with a different attachment style?
Develop Self-Awareness
Understanding your own attachment style is crucial in navigating relationships. Take the time to reflect on your patterns of behavior and how they may impact your interactions with your partner. Use resources such as books (attached by amir levine) or podcasts (mark groves podcast) to understand what this looks like.
Practice Empathy
Empathize with your partner's attachment style and recognize that their behaviors are rooted in their past experiences. Approach conflicts with compassion and a willingness to understand their perspective. It is important to understand that these behaviors are often not soley about you! Past feelings are coming into the present moment, this is an attachment trauma response. When you understand this it can be easier to respond calmly and with empathy.
Communicate Openly
Foster open communication by expressing your needs and concerns in a non-confrontational manner. Create a safe space where both partners feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Get curious and ask questions about what they are feeling. If they have not done their personal work, they may not understand what they are feeling…. this may be a good time to get into couples counselling.
Set Boundaries
Establish healthy boundaries to ensure that both partners feel respected and valued in the relationship. Respect each other's need for space while also nurturing emotional intimacy through meaningful connections. If you and your partner have opposing attachment styles, you may have opposing needs when you are in conflict. There is a delicate balance of leaning in while also drawing boundaries where needed.
Seek Help
If navigating attachment differences becomes challenging, consider seeking guidance from a relationship therapist. A trained professional can offer insights and strategies tailored to your unique circumstances. Feeling like you need support? Reach out. We’re here to help, our therapists are specialized and training in attachment based relationship therapy!
Phone: 604-418-8827
Email: hello@gatherandground.ca