Communication Under Pressure: Resolving Conflict in Relationships
Written by: Maylene Jacob MA. RCC
Even in healthy relationships, conflicts are inevitable. However, the way we communicate during tense times can significantly impact the outcome and how long conflicts last. A crucial concept in understanding and improving communication under stress is each person’s individual "Window of Tolerance."
Understanding the Window of Tolerance:
The Window of Tolerance, a term first coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, refers to the optimal zone of nervous system arousal in which we are able to function most effectively. Within this window, our nervous systems are regulated, allowing us to feel safe, think clearly, and respond calmly to stress.
When we're pushed outside this window, we enter states of hyperarousal (overwhelmed, anxious, angry) or hypoarousal (disconnected, numb, withdrawn).
Both these states are counterproductive for healthy communication and prevent us from being able to accurately hear and process what our partner is saying and the meaning behind it.
The Impact on Relationships:
During conflicts, it's common for partners to feel pushed outside their Window of Tolerance, leading to reactions that can escalate the situation. Hyperarousal might result in aggressive communication or defensiveness, when unitended or hurtful things are said, while hypoarousal can lead to shutting down or avoidance and a lack of engagement in resolution.
Understanding your own and your partner's Window of Tolerance is essential for navigating these moments. Recognizing the signs of leaving this window allows you to take steps to return to a more regulated state.
Strategies for Effective Communication:
1. Self-Awareness
Learning to recognize when you're moving out of your Window of Tolerance is key. Tuning into your bodies signals such as tensed muscles, clenched jaw, butterflies or nervous energy in your stomach, sweaty palms or tingling can all be indicators that tension is rising. Often your body knows before your mind can register a shift.
2. Self- Regulation
Techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and grounding can help return you to a calmer state or start a challenging discussion within your window of tolerance.
3. EMPATHY
Recognize when your partner might be outside their window. Offer support and understanding, rather than criticism or judgment, to help them return to a state of calm.
4. TAKING BREAKS
If the conflict escalates, taking a short break can allow both partners to cool down and come back more regulated and ready to communicate effectively.
5. COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Employing "I" statements, active listening, and expressing needs and feelings in a non-threatening way are vital. These techniques foster understanding and prevent the escalation of conflict.
Let’s walk through some examples of effective use…
A couple realizes they’re arguing in circles and decide to take a 20-minute break. During this time, they separately engage in calming activities. They reconvene with a clearer mind and a willingness to listen.
During a heated discussion, one partner feels overwhelmed and notices they're no longer able to think clearly. They signal this to their partner, and both agree to pause the conversation and practice some deep breathing exercises together.
Asking for space to reconvene or indicate you are feeling outide your WOT could sound like: “I care about you and this is important to me and right now I can’t be present, can we come back to this at (name a specific day and time)?” Or something similar that feels useful and authentic to you.
Final Note:
Understanding and applying the concept of the Window of Tolerance in communication can transform how conflicts are resolved in relationships. By using the body as a guide and recognizing and respecting these psychological boundaries, couples can navigate stress and conflict with greater empathy and more effective outcomes.
If you need help navigating conflict in your relationships or would like to build your relationship skills please reach out to a Gather and Ground counsellor.