What is Disorganized Attachment? A Vancouver Relationship Counsellor Explains
Written by: Gather & Ground Wellness - Vancouver Counselling Clinic
In the world of psychology, attachment styles play a crucial role in how we form and maintain relationships. One of the less understood but deeply impactful styles is disorganized attachment.
As a clinic specializing in relationship counselling, and particularly attachment therapy, we often see how this attachment style can influence interpersonal dynamics and emotional well-being. Let’s explore what disorganized attachment is, its origins, and how it can be addressed in therapy.
Understanding Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment is characterized by a lack of a coherent strategy for dealing with stress or seeking comfort in relationships. Individuals with this attachment style may exhibit contradictory behaviors, such as approaching a caregiver for comfort (anxious tendencies) but then withdrawing or exhibiting fear (avoidant tendencies). This paradox can lead to confusion and anxiety in relationships, both romantic and platonic.
Disorganized attachment (just like all attachment injuries) are often cemented in childhood, particularly in environments where caregivers are sources of both comfort and fear.
For instance, a child may have a caregiver who is nurturing one moment but frightening or unpredictable the next. This inconsistency leads to a chaotic internal world, making it difficult for the child to develop a secure base from which to explore relationships.
The Origins of Disorganized Attachment
The roots of disorganized attachment can often be traced back to early childhood experiences. Research by Mary Main and Judith Solomon, who studied attachment styles, revealed that children with disorganized attachment frequently experienced trauma, neglect, or abuse. These experiences create an internal conflict, as the child yearns for closeness but simultaneously feels unsafe.
In these environments, children may develop coping mechanisms that can manifest as anxiety, avoidance, or even aggression in their adult relationships. It’s important to note that disorganized attachment is not a permanent label but rather a pattern of behavior that can be understood and changed.
If there is a child that experiences getting their needs met in certain way one day, then the following day or week it may be different, this can create disorganized attachment. Prolonged emotional or physical separation from caregiver can also bring up disorganized attachment in children!
Signs of Disorganized Attachment in Adults
As individuals with disorganized attachment grow into adulthood, the effects can be significant. Some common signs include:
Fear of Intimacy: Adults may desire close relationships but simultaneously push partners away due to fear of getting hurt.
Inconsistent Behavior: They may exhibit unpredictable emotions, swinging between wanting closeness and needing distance. This can be seen as “yo-yoing” between moving towards and then away from people they care about.
Difficulty Regulating Emotions: Those with disorganized attachment might struggle to manage their emotional responses, leading to intense reactions that can confuse partners. There is less of a predictable pattern, and attachment may feel chaotic.
Low Self-Esteem: A lack of a secure foundation often translates to negative self-perceptions, making it challenging to believe they are worthy of love and affection.
Challenges in Trust: Trusting others can be incredibly difficult, as past experiences have taught them that relationships can be both a source of comfort and distress.
The Impact on Relationships
Disorganized attachment can create significant challenges in relationships. Partners may feel bewildered by the push-and-pull dynamics, leading to frustration and hurt on both sides. Communication may break down, and intimacy can become a source of anxiety rather than comfort.
In therapy, we often help clients recognize these patterns and understand the underlying fears and beliefs driving their behaviours. Building awareness is the first step toward healing, taking actionable steps to improve your life will follow.
Healing from Disorganized Attachment
The good news is that disorganized attachment is not a life sentence. Therapy can be a transformative space where individuals learn to reframe their experiences and develop healthier relationship patterns. Here are some therapeutic approaches that can help:
Attachment-Based Therapy: This approach focuses on understanding the root causes of attachment styles and fostering secure connections. It helps individuals rewire their understanding of relationships.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT can be useful in addressing negative thought patterns and behaviors. By identifying these patterns, clients can learn new coping strategies and ways to communicate effectively.
Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation (DBT Therapy): Practicing mindfulness can help individuals develop greater awareness of their emotions and reactions, making it easier to respond rather than react in relationships.
Creating Safe Spaces: In therapy, creating a safe environment where clients feel heard and understood is paramount. This mirrors the secure attachment they may have missed in childhood and serves as a model for future relationships.
Building Healthy Relationships: As clients learn to recognize their attachment patterns, they can begin to form healthier relationships with themselves and others. This might include setting boundaries and communicating needs clearly.
Growth & Support
Disorganized attachment can be a complex and challenging pattern, but it is not insurmountable. By seeking support from a qualified relationship counsellor, individuals can embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery.
If you find yourself resonating with the signs of disorganized attachment, know that you are not alone, and help is available. Together, we can work towards building healthier, more fulfilling relationships. If you have any questions or are ready to take the next step, feel free to reach out. Your journey to understanding and growth starts today.
Phone: 604-418-8827
Email: hello@gatherandground.ca