Understanding Anxious Attachment: A Relationship Counsellor Shares How to Heal

Written by: Kristie Burkett, RP-Qualifying, MACP Candidate

Navigating relationships can be challenging, especially when they are influenced by anxious attachment styles. Understanding and addressing anxious attachment can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

What is Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment is a pattern of relational behaviour characterized by a deep-seated fear of abandonment and an intense preoccupation with one's relationships. This attachment style typically develops in early childhood as a response to inconsistent caregiving, where the child learns to associate love and attention with anxiety and uncertainty.

Signs of Anxious Attachment in Relationships

If you have anxious attachment you are likely feeling A LOT while simultaneously feeling out of control. Adults with an anxious attachment style often exhibit certain behaviours in their relationships such as:

Constant Need for Reassurance

They may seek frequent validation from their partners to quell their fears of abandonment. This may be waiting for that text message in the work day, a sign of affection, or hearing that they are thinking about you and love you. Your anxious brain will not assume- you need to hear it and see it often to feel safe and secure.

Heightened Sensitivity to Partners’ Actions

Small changes in a partner's mood or behaviour can be interpreted as signs of diminishing love or impending abandonment. Your radar for slight shifts is ON POINT. You will be the first to notice if they text you hi with one i or two, you will notice if they are home a few minutes late from work, and you will pick up on if something is upsetting them before they even know it themselves!

Fear of Being Alone

There's often an overwhelming dread of being single, leading to staying in unhealthy relationships. People with anxious attachment feel a huge correlation to their relationship status and their happiness. When they are without a partner they may feel purposeless and worthless. They may have consistent thoughts driven by the fear of always being on that search for their special someone, always being alone.

Overwhelm with Emotions

Their emotional responses can be intense and sometimes disproportionate to the situation. It is common to feel a surge of panic- like a little kid getting lost at an amusement park. When this happens, it is very hard to calm down and you will likely do anything to get that reassurance of love and safety.

Anxious attachment can create a cycle of dependency and emotional turbulence in relationships.

The constant need for reassurance can strain the partner, leading to conflicts and, ironically, the distancing they fear. This style can also hinder personal growth, as the individual's happiness becomes heavily dependent on their partner's actions and feelings.

Strategies for Healing Anxious Attachment

The first step towards healing is recognizing and understanding your attachment style. Reflecting on your behaviours and reactions in relationships can provide insights into your attachment patterns.

Building a Secure Base

Creating a sense of security within yourself is crucial. This involves developing self-esteem, embracing self-sufficiency, and understanding that your worth is not contingent on someone else’s presence or approval.

Effective Communication

Learn to communicate your needs and fears effectively without placing undue pressure on your partner. Expressing yourself clearly can help in establishing mutual understanding and support.

Therapy and Professional Help

Seeking therapy can be tremendously beneficial. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your attachment style, understand its origins, and develop strategies to build healthier relational patterns.

Cultivating Healthy Relationships

Engage in relationships that promote your growth and well-being. Healthy relationships are marked by mutual respect, independence, and the freedom to be oneself without fear of abandonment.

Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation

Practicing mindfulness can help in managing overwhelming emotions and reactions. It allows you to observe your feelings without judgment and respond to situations more calmly and effectively.

Understanding and working through an anxious attachment style is a journey of self-discovery and growth. It's about learning to balance your emotional needs with healthy relational dynamics. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and with the right support and self-work, it's possible to cultivate secure and fulfilling relationships.

you don’t need to do this alone.

Our therapists specialize in attachment theory and are here to walk you down the path to healing. Reach out to one of our counsellors for a free consultation to discover how they can support you through this challenging time.

For more information on this, learn more about this on our attachment-based therapy page!