Exploring Reassurance-Seeking: Understanding the Why & Offering a Path to Healing

Written by: Alycia Oliver, MCP, RCC

At the heart of seeking reassurance lies a fundamental human need- the need to be validated and accepted. From the earliest stages of life we seek the approval of caregivers and loved ones. This validation shapes our sense of worth and helps us navigate the unfamiliar world we have entered.

At this time, it is completely appropriate. We don’t have the brain capacity of skills (undeveloped logical mind/ prefrontal cortex), so we must rely on our adults for survival.

As we get older, and our logical brain begins to develop, it is important for our caregivers to loosen the rope a little. To allow you to begin making your own decisions and tapping into your own desires, needs, and wants. This may even look like choosing your outfit for the day, deciding between two options to eat, or if you want to go to the beach or the park.

For some, we never developed those skills while we had the support of our parents. We never learned to trust ourselves. We never learned the hard lesson that if you make a choice and it doesn't feel good… you can pivot. There is no wrong choice.

So we are left seeking reassurance from all our external factors as an adult. As we grow older, the need for affirmation extends into many areas of our lives such as making career choices, navigating personal relationships, and even connecting with personal style/ physical appearance.

Another reason why people may be stuck in a pattern of seeking reassurance is the draw to the illusion of control it brings.

It is a psychological art to be comfortable with and to surrender to the unknown. To deeply understand that it is humanly impossible to be in control of or be certain of everything.

Seeking reassurance gives people a sense of control in that immediate moment. A temporary release of anxiety. And if you’ve done this before, you know that the truth is the anxiety returns. You may even begin to question which “advice” to take if you’ve asked your entire network and received contrasting reviews.

For the long lasting effects of anxiety relief and control- we must do the work to connect back to ourselves, to build trust with ourselves. Why you may ask? Because only you know what is best for you and the best way to learn is through trial and error.

Everytime you reach out to another person for reassurance, you are subconsciously telling your brain that you do not trust your own judgment.

If you are in a place of constantly seeking reassurance, you may feel:

• Indecisive about what you need and want

• An inability to trust your own judgment/intuition

• Fear of making a mistake

• The need for things to be perfect before committing

• The tendency to overthink and overanalyze

• The negative impacts of engaging in harmself self-talk

• Insecure and struggle with low self-confidence

• Consistent desire for self-comparison

• Social pressure to fit into a certain mold.

• A fear of rejection and an urgency to belong

• Self-doubt and self-criticism

If you are resonating with the points above, you have a choice. To continue on the path you are currently on, reliving the same anxieties, fears, and pain. And to gently begin to carve out a new path- towards healing and growth.

Your Healing Path:

Build relationship & trust with yourself

I have a little secret for you. The validation, support, care, and guidance you seek in others is all within yourself. YOU have the best answers to all your questions…  if you are willing to turn inward and listen.

If you have been through any form of trauma or attachment disruption you have likely learned to live in your head rather than your body. You have likely believed that your body is not a safe place and that you should not trust it. If that is the case, you need to start with rebuilding that safety first.

This first step is prioritizing to befriend and build a relationship with the most important person in this world, yourself. What makes you happy? What makes you anxious? What makes your eyes sparkle? What makes you feel the most alive?

Squash the concept of self-comparison

In our current world of social media we have the ability to compare ourselves to others at the tip of our fingers. We can feel good about what we are doing or where we are at, then we open our  phones and see a projected version of another person and begin to doubt ourselves.

Firstly, how people portray themselves to the world on social media is often missing a crucial factor. The internal workings of their mind, the complexities of who they are. This is a snapshot into one moment, which may be completely authentic or completely fabricated.

To stop comparing yourself to others it is important to notice when you begin to go down that train of thought and then bring your thoughts back to yourself. So instead of “they are doing this, they did just that”, think “I am doing this, I just did that”. Use this time to connect to your own goals. Challenge yourself by asking if their goals are even your own goals. This step is done with more ease once you have begun the journey of building a relationship and trust with yourself.

Letting go of Perfectionism and the Need to be Certain

When we are searching for the golden ticket of perfectionism and certainty it can feel like a never ending road. And that is because it is!

Once we begin to understand that these aspects are not actually important while connecting to ourselves and that seeking them is actually harmful to self-connection, we start to flourish. 

The human journey is messy! It involves a lot of one step forward and one step back. The lessons we learn from ourselves are much more profound then the lessons we learn from others. Experiential learning is how we push from knowledge to action. If you imagine yourself letting go of being perfect, what space opens up? What opportunities present themselves to you?

Final Note:

Seeking reassurance is a coping strategy with the goal of being validated, heard, seen, and accepted. We all want to belong, but it is most important to feel that sense of belonging within ourselves. To begin to build an intimate relationship with ourselves we must release the desire to be perfect or to protect ourselves from uncertainty. We must stop comparing ourselves to others, because no one is like us. And, we must step into the messiness of being human. It is okay to be in the process of figuring it out. It is okay to be on the road but not yet at the final destination.

Interested in a Deeper & Personalized Dive?

If this is something you are interested in, don’t be shy, we are here to help!  Please reach out to our team of relatable and authentic therapists to start your personal growth journey. To speak with a Gather & Ground counsellor, book a consultation today.