Love Languages: Here's How to Identify Yours
Written by: Alycia Oliver MCP, RCC
An Introduction to Love
I find myself sitting in front of clients who are struggling to understand why their partner won’t take out the garbage, help with the dishes, or give them those flowers they have always wanted. Why do they know their partner loves them, but they still don’t feel fully loved in the way they need.
And I tell them this….
Do you show your partner love in the same way you want to be loved?
More often than not, they eagerly say yes. And then I gently say, Is it possible that what makes them feel loved, supported, and appreciated is different from you?
At this point, I can feel the wheels turning, as if there is a large grandfather clock in the room and the gears are shifting… loudly.
And then it comes—the Ah-Ha moment. We give love in the same way we want to receive it, without realizing that people have different love blueprints. And in this moment we understand that love can get lost in translation when we are speaking different languages!
As a therapist, I sit with clients who have varying ways in which they want to give and receive love. Regardless of the struggles that clients bring in, which we call the presenting problem, there is always an underlying love story waiting to be unravelled.
How do we like to give love to others?
How do we like to receive love from others?
How do we give love to ourselves?
How we like to give and receive love varies. In the same way that we have a unique fingerprint, we have a unique love language. You could consider this your road map or your owner’s manual. Despite its undeniable importance, we often fail to ask our loved ones and ourselves these questions.
For this reason, Gary Chapman (PhD) developed the 5 Love Languages to help navigate the most common variations of love—words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, gifts, and quality time.
If we can understand our own love language, and then go further to understand our partners, we can increase emotional understanding and support for one another. Ultimately, it can act as a guide and a foundation for getting our needs met.
So let’s dive into it…
The 5 Love Languages:
Words of Affirmation:
If words of affirmation are your love language you value verbal acknowledgement and praise. This can include verbal reassurance and validation such as “I love you” or “you mean so much to me”. This can also be presented in the need for daily communication including asking about your day, consistent text messages or calls, and a good morning or good night message.
Quality Time:
If your love language is quality time you feel the most loved and appreciated when you have another person’s undivided attention. You crave intimate connection through sharing personal stories, being listened to and having meaningful conversations. Sharing hobbies and experiences makes you feel the most connected, without any additional distractions!
Physical Touch:
With this love language, you desire human connection through touch. This may include kissing, cuddling, sex, or a hug. This makes you feel safe, desired, appreciated, and loved.
Acts of Service:
If this language is at the forefront you value feeling considered and taken care of. You feel loved when your partner goes out of their way to contribute to the relationship and put in the effort to make your life easier. This could mean making you dinner, running that errand you are dreading or making your coffee in the morning. For you, actions speak louder than words!
Gifts:
When people give you tangible symbols of love, they are speaking your language. This is not about the financial gain, however more so about the consideration behind the gesture. You value sentimental objects and prefer things you can cherish and hold on to for a long time.
How Many Love Languages Can You Have?
Chapman states that each person has one love language that is more important than the rest. Personally, I find it hard to narrow it down! When I speak to my clients about love languages, I get them to consider the top two love languages they like to give and receive.
Although you may find all of them important, think to yourself which one makes you feel the MOST loved and appreciated.
The Roots of our Love Language:
We are often modelled how to give and receive love from the relationships around us. Typically, the first relationships that provide us a chance to view this are our primary caretakers.
This can swing in one of two directions. We either strive for the love that has been demonstrated or we strive for the kind of love we never had. For example, if you never received words of affirmation as a child, this may be of utmost importance to you now. On the other hand, if you received gifts as an act of love as a child you may believe this to be an important part of expressing love as an adult.
How to Communicate a Love Language to Your Partner:
After the first step of understanding which love language you and your partner entail, the next step is learning how to communicate in a way that aligns with them. Here are some helpful tools on how to communicate each love language—verbally and through actions.
Words of Affirmation:
“I appreciate when you ____________”
“You are meaningful to me because ______________”
“The first time we met I felt ___________”
“I love it when you ______________”
“You make me feel ________________”
“I really love _____________ about you”
Unexpectedly send a message about how much they mean to you
Quality Time:
“Tell me something I don’t know about you”
“You have my undivided attention, I just want to spend time with you”
Create rituals of connection with your partner (ex. morning coffee together)
Do an activity together (ex. cooking, going out for dinner, outdoor activity)
Spend an evening without technology
Physical Touch:
Watch a movie and cuddle
Spend 30 minutes before bed without distractions while prioritizing physical touch
Kiss every time you leave or reunite
Hold hands while walking down the street
Sit beside them at dinner, not across from them
Acts of Service:
“How can I make your day easier?”
“How can I support you?”
“Let me help you with ___________”
“Let’s do this together”
Gifts:
“I saw this and thought of you”
“This reminded me of the time we _________ and I wanted you to have it”
“I saw this and thought we could use it together”
“I thought this symbolized our relationship and I had to buy it”
“This reminds me of how much you ___________ “
Final Note:
As you can see, love comes in many shapes and forms! A person’s unique love blueprint is developed through early relationships and personal experiences they have in their lives. To feel fulfilled in our relationships it is crucial to understand what we need to feel loved and appreciated. You cannot expect another person to understand your owner’s manual when you have yet to navigate it yourself. We all deserve to feel loved and appreciated. It is my hope that you can use this guide to create your road map and strengthen your relationships.