7 Signs you have Anxious Attachment in your Relationships

Written by: Alycia Oliver, MCP, RCC

Let’s be real, relational anxiety is debilitating. It has the capacity to turn any moment into a storm, to send us into a spiral of fear and worst case scenario thinking. Ultimately, this anxiety catapults us into survival mode, putting on our investigator hat to ensure we do not miss any threat to our source of love and connection that may be present.

The challenge with relational anxiety is that our childhood programming can override our openness for connection. When Anxiety climbs into the driver's seat it has the tendency to do one of two things: take a perfectly healthy relationship and sabotage it OR attract emotionally unavailable partners that keep us in a perpetual anxiety loop.

What is Anxious Attachment?

John Bowlby helped us define this relational pattern and coined it as an anxious attachment style. According to Bowlby, attachment is a fundamental human need, and the way we attach to others in childhood can have a significant impact on our relationships and emotional development throughout our lives. Understanding your attachment style is important as it is the first step to shifting the thoughts, behaviors and feelings that keep you in your painful behavioral loop. Recognizing the patterns can help you develop healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Here are 7 signs you may be experiencing anxious attachment:

1. Constantly seeking reassurance 

People with anxious attachment tend to feel deeply insecure about their relationships. They may seek constant reassurance from their partner, even over minor issues to regain emotional safety. This may look like desiring constant contact throughout the day.

2. Fear of abandonment 

Anxious individuals may be afraid that their partner will leave them, which can lead to clinginess, jealousy, and the need to control.

3. Overthinking and overanalyzing 

People with anxious attachment tend to push their thoughts into overdrive with the hopes of self-protection. These obsessive thoughts lead to unnecessary stress and worry about the state of the relationship.

4. Idealizing their partner 

Anxious individuals may idealize their partner and put them on a pedestal, which can lead to disappointment and frustration when their partner inevitably falls short.

5. Over-apologizing 

Anxious individuals may apologize excessively, even for things that are not their fault, as a way of seeking reassurance and avoiding conflict.

6. Being on High Alert 

People with anxious attachment may feel on guard for threats, subconsciously searching for ways their partner is failing them or withdrawing. We can shift from high alert to extreme exhaustion after a long shift of investigative work.

7. Difficulty with boundaries

Anxious individuals may have difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries in their relationships, as they may be afraid of losing their partner or being rejected.

Final Note:

If the points above resonate for you as you consider your romantic relationships, friendships, or familial relationships,  it is time to tend to your inner child. Your adult self and your inner child deserve to feel loved and seen. Individual and couples counselling can be valuable tools for exploring your attachment style and developing healthier patterns. To speak with a Gather & Ground counsellor, book a consultation today.

For more reading on how to sit with and move through your feelings of anxiety, read  “10 ways to stop your anxious thoughts”.